I am my own devil
I caught it. I caught hate.
I’ve been arguing and fighting with a couple of family members in my head. Too often. My dislike for them grows with every mention of their names. I know this is bad. I know I should try to not let them bother me. And of course, I know I should forgive people. But I can’t.
I’m being arrogant. I keep reminding myself that as a human, and as a Muslim, I should be forgiving. I keep reminding myself that forgiveness is part of being a good Muslim. I keep reminding myself that if Allah forgives everyone, why should I be above forgiveness? As one of our most important religious holidays approaches, Eid ul-Adha, I am struggling with finding peace as I pray and as I try to be a better Muslim and a better person in general. But I’m still boiling inside. I find myself yelling at them for long periods of time–while I cook, while I’m in class, before I sleep… I need it to stop. But no matter what I try, I just can’t. I keep squashing my conscience.
Mo finds himself committing the same acts of verbal and mental abuse. I’m not sure how to stop this, but we want it to. We’re very open to suggestions.
two words. voodoo. dolls.
Just trust and let go.
I do that sometimes too. Sometimes, it almost feels like I WANT to argue with people in my head because I know I am right. If I am wrong in a situation, I am OK with admitting it. If other people are wrong, but think they are right…that just gets under my skin. What helps me is to just ignore them, if they want to bring up the situation again, instead of arguing about it (because sometimes that makes you just as bad as they are), I just nod and let them keep thinking they are right. I’ve already said my peace and if they are still lead astray and think they are the victim (or whatever), then there is nothing I can do or say about it…so why should I still be angered by it? Sometimes, people just want to irritate other people. If you do not let them get to you and just ignore them, they eventually stop. I don’t know if this is any way related to what you are dealing with, but I hope it helps even a little.
Yes, it is the ‘ignoring’ them part that is difficult. I am trying to get to the root of my frustration with them and then justify my feelings. I’m finding it a little difficult to do the latter, which hopefully means I can still change the way I’m acting and thinking.
Someone told me a few years ago, “Your energy goes where your mind goes.” I’ve never forgotten that. Whenever I find myself angry like you were, I try to remember that. If my thoughts are negative and angry, then my energy will be negative as well. Another thing I try to remember when I’m consumed with resentment, bitterness, or hatred is that, while I’m rehashing and replaying something that happened that made me angry, my thoughts and feelings are having absolutely no effect on the other person. They’re just going about their life unaware of what I’m feeling. It really isn’t having the effect on them that I want it to, and how could it? They’re blissfully unaware that someone out there in the world is obsessing over them! Finally, I’ve also heard that being filled with hatred and resentment toward someone is like me taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It only hurts me, not them.
Rob, those are some powerful words. And I’m sure I won’t forget them. This statement particularly stands out: “…my thoughts and feelings are having absolutely no effect on the other person.” It’s true. I’m wasting my time and energy, and nothing good will come of it. My angry thoughts won’t change them. I have been trying to work on this. I’ve been trying to figure out exactly why I feel this way and what I can do to stop from thinking so negatively, because you’re right–it only hurts me, not them.
You know, the same thing happens to me more and more often. Maybe it’s because I am getting to know people better and also because I am working with many different personalities. At the point when I feel like I am pushed against the wall, I find myself laughing and wondering why it even bothers me. No one should be able to upset me. I am giving someone too much power over my life by acknowledging that their actions or manners bother me. In the end, I feel nothing and peace returns. Who knows!? Maybe laughter IS the best medicine.